My first attempt at stream-of-consciousness...err...i dunno what I should call it...

Smile. I love to smile. smile makes this world beautiful. 14 muscles. shouvik basu complimented my smile y'day. smile. evergreen. i smile in the smallest of things. people say i've a killing smile.smile. indeed so pretty. i love your smile. the dimples on your cheek. i loved them then. i love them now. the way your eyes got closed whenever you smiled a full smile. and it gave me immense fulfillment. your silly  pranks, crazy antics. leg-pulling. the names you gave me. dhor. nautanki. hehe. even the very memories make me smile. i love you. smile. what a wonderful thing. i cried yesterday after such  a long time. hope to smile today. shall i? off, am i losing the subconscious part of it? no, but i shall keep it spontaneous. kya karu, i can't type as fast as the thoughts are racing in my mind, i wrote this yday. it got deleted. god, this is fun. sir is simply awesome. m going to write on more. rly got an addiction of this. explained to ma-babi, but did they rly get its essence..ma. understands me. my pain. but i'll never stop smiling. smile. it's fabulous. positive vibes. do u still smile the same way?? i can;t see you smiling now, but in my heart, i can always picture you smiling the same way as you used to.one look, n my time seemed to come to a standstill. bike rides. i miss them. i miss you. miss smile. ok, now enough. can go on like this forever. but gotta stop. will return back to it soon........

That's my way...:-) figure it out if you can!!

1.If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?

Agrawal :P

 2. Were you happy when you woke up today?

I’d like to believe I was…

3. What’s something that can always make you feel better? When did you need it last?

My ‘dil ki awaaz’…I need it every moment for survival…it’s my better half :-)

4. What are you excited for?

My next shopping spree!!

5. What were you doing yesterday?

Living life to the hilt :-)

6. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

 Water :P If you want me to name a solid, then it's Maggie Noodles :-D

7. Have a best friend(s)?

 My diary…I can confide in it the most….& it never dons a mask…

8. Are you scared to fall in love?

I haven’t figured that out yet…it’s somewhere in the midway…

9. Do you think teenagers can be in love?

  I’d prefer to believe in the affirmative…btw, how do u define ‘being in love’??

10. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?

Naam lungi to badnaam ho jayegi :P

11.What do you want right now?

  Love, as always <3

12. Who was the last person you took a picture with?

  Myself!! :P……………OK, if I have to mention a person, then I guess it’ll be my bro :-)

13. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?

   Am a bit of all four…honestly!!

14. When was the last time you cried?

   Crying may not always be visible…often, we simply cry within ourselves…I guess I did that just yesterday…

15. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

 Yesssssss :-)

16. Do you find it hard to trust others?

 Depends on who that ‘others’ is…

17. I bet you miss somebody right now..

 Of course, but I won’t name that ‘somebody’….

18. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?

  Yeah. Okay is an easy state to be in, coz it’s abstract and vague…what’s ‘okay’????

19. Tell me what's on your mind.

Why would I tell you??? :P

20. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?

for the next three days?

  A holiday trip, 7th feb, bro's 'sacred thread ceremony'…lots of fun!!

  More smiles to caress my lips :-)

21. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?

   Yesssss!! My bro’s cooooool, funky tees :-D

22. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?

      Yesterday.

23. How's your heart?

 A lil sugar, a lil spice, n everything nice…but those who dare mess with me, think twice!!

24. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?

     Yes!! But mostly for people who aren’t important to me as well :P But when that’s not the case, it hurts…

25. Do you think somebody's in love with you?

     Maybe. Maybe not. 

26. What are you planning on doing after this?

      Ponder…and pen down my thoughts…

27. Who do you not get along with?

    I don’t even try in such cases…I stay with only those who I get along very well with…

 29. Are you wasting your time on the person you like?

    No way…

30. How did you feel when you woke up?

      Optimistic.

31. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?

     Yessss…but how would that ‘wish’ make a difference to reality??

32. Do you crack your knuckles?

      Nooooo…I hate it!!

33. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?

      Does midnight mean 12am?? I was watching Hrishikesh Mukherjee’s ‘Parichay’ then :-D

34. Who's the first B in your contacts?

  

 Babi…that’s my Dad :P

35. When was the last time you laughed really hard?

  Yesterday…I do it everyday!!

36. Last awkward moment?

    Well, this is a lil private ;-)

37. Are you afraid of the dark?

 Not of the darkness without, but the dark within…

 38. Do you have good vision?

I think so…both physically and metaphysically…

39. Have you ever tripped someone?

   Must have!

40. Have you ever slapped someone?

 Yup, my bro has been my only victim so far :P

41. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments?

  

Almost always…it’s good for our own health…:p

42. Can you go out in public looking like you do right now?

  Errr…I guess not…;-)

43. Is it easy for someone to make you smile?

Yes…:-) quite easy, I guess…I love to smile at the slightest pretext :-)

44. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?

 Yes.....my mum <3

45. Do you miss the way things used to be?

 In many ways, but that doesn’t help the way things are right now…

46 How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?

Depends on who’s at the other end…

47. Want someone back in your life?

    

I don’t quite know...it’s now as simple as that…

48. Will tomorrow be better than today?

In certain ways, yes…

49.Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

 If I consider that ‘someone’ as dear, yes…otherwise, I don’t give a damn!! 

50. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?

Yes, I think so.

51. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?

 Am most undoubtedly a naturally happy person :-D none of my emotions are ever forced…I like to keep things real…

52. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?

Shahid Kapoor :P



Wait...

O, the long-awaited December morn, come kiss my eyelids…

Waken me up with your silken touch…

The night has been long, the constellations winked at me,

Crumbling my little delusions into morsels…

But your sweet sunshine shall drive away all fears…

Oh, the lukewarm dew-drops that mutters away strange somethings,

I feel tipsy, what wine is it that fills me to the brim?

I rub my palms, and an unseen warmth seeps into my icy soul,

Christmas in not far…I await the lights, the bells, the holly leaves,

The carnival of celebrations colour my innocent fancies,

Morphine-like, you intoxicate my senses,

I taste untold delight, with not a care in the world,

I haven’t outgrown the red stockings, and the wait isn’t over…

The wakeful December nights and my sleepless eyes still weave dreams,

Of sweet wishes and fantasies heaped up by my bedside,

Eclipsing the bygone days, and ushering in a new tomorrow…

Tears...

Tears…pearls of molten grief that blister my skin…

Kissing the lemony grass beneath my bare feet…

My eyes burn…

Is it the thick cloud of smoke that pierces them??

I see contours of shadows come and go…

They laugh at my tears…

But I don’t utter a sigh…

Colorless emotions in crystal-like drops,

They molest my solitude…

Come peeping through my curtains,

And rip me apart…

But I let out no cry, nor ask no question,

The sharp twinge of pain is buried down…

For when the world abandons, I find my safe haven in them…

Moments...

Moments, still and deep…

I see reflections streaming before me,

Of rueful smiles and sanguine tears,

Those resonate within me…

Moments of countless yesterdays and even before,

That fade not in the fullness of time…

Like snowflakes, they pour upon me,

And paint rainbows on my canvas…

Seamless and unbounded,

What do they know of my confines??

Moments of some untold promises,

Few broken, few realized…

Last but one...

November, thou art magical…

The chill in the air carries your scent…

Gone are the sweet mornings beaming with light,

You wear a somber look, clad in grey raiment…

I inhale you deeply…it fills up my lungs,

My eyes, my lips, my life…

I am brimming over with your potion,

Just a few drops have wound up a charm…

November, thy misty countenance eludes me,

Thy wintry breezes make me shiver…

The long nights mock my insomniac eyes,

Fuming vapors from my coffee mug, and my lips quiver,

The songs of summer, of sunshine days,

I’ve burnt down in the fireplace…

In the folds and creases of my quilt,

I nurture my vernal fancies…

How blanched now looks nature’s rosy face,

With the blanket of thy haze marring her grace…

My saccharine dreams have gone away-

With the nostalgia of the autumn evenings…

The clouds come floating along my balcony,

Perched on thy gossamer wings…
Tiptoeing, you peer through my blinds,

I tread on your dew-trodden paths,

And…

Some frozen memories are warmed back to life…

Awaiting light...

I sink deep in the abyss of vacancy…

But there’s calm deep beneath…

Where the deafening clamors cannot penetrate…

The sadist instincts of this world are up in arms,

They’ll strangle me soon….

And sting me with vicious words,

Bully me till I yield,

Heap ashes upon me, and then there’ll be no trace of me…

And then…

The chaos will recede,

Quietude will fill up the vacuum of my thoughts…

The rusty souvenirs of my existence will wear away…

This endless persecution will no more eat me up…

I shall have gone far…

Redemption is what I seek…

Ponderings...

The soot has darkened, and all ‘yesterdays’ appear black…

Reeking of the old days that once defined my being, I writhe in pain…

‘Twas not a vision spun out of air, The Utopia…

…days, months, years, I’ve breathed through…

The sun has long faded out against the crimson drapery of the horizon,

The city’s smoky skyline tinged in grey blears out everything…

But who can free me??

I’m stranded in my own wasteland,

I see before my eyes, the carcass of broken dreams,

The moonlight slowly descends on my idle reveries…

And in the nook of my eyes, sleep groans…

Yet, the bittersweet drowsiness, I love to savour…

On The Crossroads...

The flame of the dying candle flickers,

                            The trembling wick is yielding to the strong gale…

The silence pierces the stillness of the landscape,

                            I can only hear my heart moan and wail…

After years I see you, standing before me,

                           The floodgates of pent-up emotions have now burst open…

Do those promises still hold?? Or shall I be deceived yet again??

I have cremated my dreams, and burnt my heart into ashes…

The corpse yet remains, its stench will choke you.

You stand before me, a few steps away,

                              Yet an unseen barrier rips us apart…

You look into my eyes, appalled by the stony coldness…

                               My lips don’t twitch, my limbs don’t tremble…

I am benumbed by your closeness,

                                In your arms, I feel ever so distant from you…

As the dawn awakes…this maddening crowd, this cacophony deafens my soul…

Do you call me?? Your voice is drowned out…

You ask me to fall in love, all over again…

                                 But don’t you see my deadness??

You hold my frail body, feel my pale skin,

                                 But it renders me hollow from within      …

Love makes me shudder, I dread at the very thought,

                                To have to go through it all, again, numbs me…

The journey that never ends...

I’ve been walking on, on the paths I’ve traversed since long…

                                    Yet today, I know not where I’m heading towards…

Life has set me into motion, and hence…

                                    I’m tirelessly walking on…

Days wither away in the lap of dusk, and dusk ushers in the endless nights…

                                    The cosmic forces too come to a standstill, but I do not pause…

This perpetual journey has now become synonymous

                                    With my identity, or…or with the loss of it??

I seek respite, a thick black cloud of haze blurs my vision,

                                    I plead- kill me, let my soul be free…

With remnants of broken dreams,

                                    I feel encumbered, I feel weighed down by the burden…

My heart lets out a muffled cry,

                                    But I suppress it with a heavy sigh,

I’m tossed and turned in the tempests of life,

                                    I wonder, I ask, but why??

Countless tears I’ve swallowed in my path,

                                    And smiles have evaded my lips…

The shadows overpower, and sometimes go away,

                                    I still stand in the penumbra…

Hark! The night whispers, I readily drink its potion,

                                    It shall put me off to eternal slumber, and then I shall rest in peace…

The Night that Enthralls...

                    Night descends on my dim terrace, and stealthily crawls into my room,

                                    The glistening stars on the firmament weave dreams,

               I whisper wayward fancies to myself, and

                                    And strange, nameless shadows hear them all, it seems…

               The crescent moon peers through window-pane,

                                    And winks at me, I stare at it in awe,

           My weary body seeks repose, heavy-eyed, I usher slumber to overpower me…

      Yes, I wait for tomorrow to come…but will these long hours ever come to an end??

       I sleep and sleep, yet the night seems to perpetuate itself…

            The velvety darkness about me stir my unquiet dreams, unfetter my thoughts,

                                    The placid darkness…drapes me in its silk-like attire,

            The winds sing a somnolent melody,

                                    And the zinnia blossoms are lulled to sleep…

            The night narrates curious fables, hoary tales of love, betrayal and passion…

       I listen to them half-heartedly, my attention swaying to and fro

       Quiet contemplations soon give way, I don’t know whence they come and go…

       I summon my own angels, aren’t they said to wander freely at the wee hours??

       I keep fighting my own devils, trying to wrench myself free from their evil powers…

            Waiting and waiting…

           

            When would the vermillion rays dispel the darkness,

                                                And herald a new horizon??

Yesterday...

YESTERDAY…such a captivating word…it seems to enfold within itself myriad emotions…so many sentiments cling to its bosom…

Our TODAY is born out of its womb, and yet the umbilical cord is never altogether severed…can we ever rip off our ‘yesterday’ from our existence and cast it aside?? It’s a shadow that keeps us ever on close surveillance…and our TOMORROW seems to feed on it, and thus thrive and grow…it is formed from the ashes of the bygone ‘yesterdays’…

Yesterday contains such a plethora of paradoxes…it suggests a weird sense of wistful romanticism, of an empty fulfillment, of painful pleasure, of sweet melancholy that at once maims as well as reinvigorates or inward spirits…it’s like an oasis in a desert…we can ‘see’ it so decidedly, yet it seems so much beyond our reach…and perhaps, its exceptional charm lies in its inaccessibility…

We are overwhelmed by a paroxysm of sensations whenever we happen to revisit our ‘yesterdays’…we were a bit younger, and how beautiful those heydays were…we had a loved one close to us, who has gone too afar now…perhaps, we smiled more often, fretted much lesser, lived better…but this torturous photographic memory often proves to be our undoing…

 Yet, when the going gets tough, wearied by the perpetual struggles of life…we seek a romantic escape in our ‘yesterday’, trying to flee away to the halcyon days, looking for solace to pacify our disconsolate souls, and our deep sighs letting out the nostalgic – “Those were the days…”